We asked our community heads of school to weigh in on the topic of tefillah. The question posed was:
It can be challenging for students to connect with tefillah, especially since many of them are still developing in their understanding of its meaning. What can we do as parents and educators to foster that connection?
Rabbi Jordan Silvestri, Robert M. Beren Academy
As a young child I grew up in a town that was attempting to grow a Jewish community. My parents looked to join the first few pioneer families that were meant to spark a revitalization. Unfortunately, that is not what resulted. As such, my father created a makeshift shul in our home and conducted Shabbat morning tefillah each week. As early as 4 years old, I saw my parents prioritize tefillah and make it an active part of their lives.
A few years later, my family moved to FairLawn, NJ with a singular goal – move into a vibrant Jewish community that would support their children’s religious growth. I saw my father leave early for minyan, my mother go to shul each Shabbat and be invested in her tefillah and as soon as I was old enough, I was there as well.
As parents, we can forget how critical our decisions, actions, and communication can impact our children. Each morning we make sure to attend a minyan, however early or late, we are communicating to our children. Every time we enter a shul, grab a siddur, find a spot to sit and fully invest in the act of tefillah – an act that is not about socializing with your friends, rather, investing in our relationship with Hashem – we are sharing with our children how critical these actions and activities are to us. This makes an impression on our children and do not doubt it for a second they are watching.
As educators, as much as parents, we need to normalize the practical, cognitive, and spiritual challenges that we face around tefillah, allowing ourselves to open up vulnerable and real dialogue around this mitzvah. Any relationship requires investment. Every relationship has its ups and downs. We will never be perfect all the time, every time. We are human after all. What we can be perfect in is our dedication to invest in a lifetime’s worth of relationship building, of mitzvah development, and in making sure that we are actively engaging with our children.
As a school, we have seen the real challenges that our communities and families face. We have made a deep commitment to not just identifying that a change needs to happen. We are committed to finding the right set of factors to support our students in developing a deeper and more individual relationship with Hashem. A relationship that speaks to them, that addresses their needs, and brings them meaning and fulfillment.
These actions and decisions need and must be intentional. And, they must include our children and students in the process. We can’t do to them. We need to do with them. Bringing their voice, empowering them to create authentic experiences provides us with a pathway forward. Whether it is a class, a unique minyan design, reflective practice, or an epic curriculum, this will not be an easy process. It will certainly be one of the most crucial processes to ensure that our students have a lifelong relationship with Hashem that evolves through the different stages of their early and late adulthood.
It begins with our model, continues with their engagement, and continues with a commitment to find a way through.
Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield, Yeshiva Torat Emet
Davening is a highly sophisticated practice that requires a deep belief and understanding of its purpose, words, laws, and form. As such, it’s natural for children to take time to develop a mature relationship with davening.
The first step in helping children develop their understanding and respect for davening is acknowledging that it can be a developmental challenge. Some children may immediately enjoy reading the words, participating in the environment, and singing along, while others may take longer to connect. This can be particularly challenging for children with attention and/or reading difficulties, as davening may seem like a strenuous task for them.
As parents and educators, it is important to give children the time and space to develop at their own pace, just as with all aspects of quality education. Gradually introducing them to the various components necessary for effective davening, such as explaining the significance and gift of davening from Hashem, helping them comprehend the meaning and words of key parts, and ensuring they understand the technical and practical aspects of davening, can help foster an appreciation and connection for their own davening. By approaching davening in a developmentally appropriate manner, children can grow to have a deeper understanding and connection to it.
It is helpful for children to witness positive role modeling by both their parents regarding the importance and significance of davening. By both explicitly and implicitly teaching the value of davening, we can raise children who understand it as the wonderful gift from Hashem that allows us to communicate with the Creator and sustainer of our world.
We also must keep in mind the harm that can be done to a child’s relationship with davening if they push too hard or too fast. Many adults can recall feeling uncomfortable or forced into davening by the adults in their lives, making it an unpleasant or meaningless experience. Pushing children too hard or forcing them to participate in minyan can lead to negative reactions later in life when they have control over their own participation. Given the difficulties children often face in connecting to davening, it is crucial for parents to be highly sensitive and avoid pushing too hard or too fast. This will prevent the child from feeling disconnected from davening, which is contrary to our goals for their chinuch.
Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield, Ed.D. is the Head of School at Yeshiva Torat Emet and hosts the podcast “Chinuch Today,” which focuses on innovations in education and the people behind them.
Rabbi Enan Francis, Torah Day School
The beautiful thing about helping our children connect with tefillah is that we get to work on a connection of our own. Children feel a connection with tefillah when davening is alive in us. When the mood in the house is joyfully expectant before going to davening, when we pray with feeling, when we say Shema with our children in their bedrooms, these all communicate our love of davening.
Davening is a time of awe. When we pay attention to the davening, resist distraction when people speak to us during davening, and stay in shul through the final kedusha, we communicate our respect for davening.
Speak with children about davening. Talk about your history with davening. Tell stories of devout people who, even in our time, sit and daven for many hours a day. Discuss your own kavannah with your children. Mention tefillos that were answered, and tefillos whose answer was “not yet.” This gives children the opportunity to develop a well-rounded appreciation of tefillah, and begin to integrate tefillah into their own experiences.
Above all, keep your own relationship with tefillah fresh. Study tefillos. Discuss tefillah with friends. Listen to lectures online. Do what it takes to infuse your own davening with chayus, and watch your children’s connection with tefillah blossom.
Rabbi Michael Cohen, Torah Girls Academy of Texas
Tefilla is a central part of a Jewish upbringing, yet we often see students struggle with sitting in shul while those around them are davening. I would like to share three ideas and remedies for consideration.
The first idea is related to the siddur. The siddur can be a guide to many questions people have throughout their lives. Within it are compositions made by great people who experienced trials that were very similar to our own, so it is essential to make it a part of our lives from a very early age. The siddur is one of our oldest texts. It dates back to the time of the Men of the Great Assembly (Anshei Knesset HaGedola) during the period of the second Temple. We must focus on Hebrew language skills to appreciate the siddur as the Anshei Knesset HaGedola originally intended. Many students do not want to daven because they are not comfortable with Hebrew, have trouble reading, can’t translate, and need help understanding the words they are saying. As educators and parents, it behooves us to ensure that every student knows how to read, translate, and interpret the terms of our tefillos. I believe that parents should read with their children frequently, and our schools should have reading programs and incentives to catch students before they fall through the proverbial cracks in classroom instruction.
The second idea is that gratitude is the foundation of tefilla. When we model an attitude of gratitude for our students, and we are openly grateful for the many good people and gifts surrounding us, our students, in turn, will comfortably step into the mode of seeing davening as an opportunity to thank Hashem for the many blessings He gives us daily. (If you will excuse a shameless plug: I applaud the parents that support their children’s teachers with words of appreciation for their teachers that are shared with their children.)
The third idea is to observe and teach our students about the beauty and wonder of Hashem’s creation. By way of example, this week, a comet passed by Earth, scheduled to return only in another fifty thousand years! This was an excellent opportunity to impress upon students the sheer magnitude of our Universe. Of course, signs of the greatness of creation (Gadlos Haboreh) are all around us; whether it be the symmetry of a flower or the design of trees, we just have to open the eyes of our children to them. By demonstrating the beauty of Hashem’s creation to our children (and ourselves), we will naturally be inspired to daven and connect with our Creator.